The Tamil Project - Ahdithya Visweswaran
This interview was conducted in 2020
Ahdithya Rajan Parvathi Visweswaran (Ahdi), 19, is a second-year Bachelor of Secondary Education student at the University of Alberta’s Campus Saint-Jean.
Where did you grow up and what did your childhood look like?
My childhood has been full of movement. My dad’s job often led us to move every couple of years. I was born in Newark, New Jersey. After a couple moves in the States, we finally moved to Winnipeg. In 2006, we moved to Burlington, ON where I began learning Odissi at the local temple. Speaking English was not allowed at home, so I only spoke Tamil. It was in Kindergarten that I learned English. After two years, we moved back to Winnipeg where my mother decided to put me in French immersion. Winnipeg was where my identity as a Tamil-Canadian really grew. I began taking Bharatanatyam lessons and Carnatic music lessons. My childhood was filled with my mother telling me stories about India, history, literature and scripture. I was always the weird kid in school who didn’t really fit in. This might’ve been because I didn’t speak English at first and was always “different” as I grew up in two worlds; Tamil and Canadian. In 2013, my dad got a job in Edmonton so we all moved. While junior high was not my favourite, I enjoyed high school where I met my closest friends.
I’m sure I missed a lot of things about my childhood. In all honesty, it’s mostly all a blur…
Tell me about your experiences as a Tamilian living in Canada
Back when I started school, French immersion programs didn’t really have a lot of diversity. I was one of two kids of colour in my class in my grade. Everyday, mum would give me home-cooked lunches like தயிர் சாதம், ரசம் சாதம், இடியப்பம், etc. Kids would often tell me lunches smelled gross or looked gross. Being a vegetarian, kids would sometimes threaten to put their meat in my food.
These experiences that I experienced when young led me to hide my Tamil identity. Don’t get me wrong: I LOVE my culture and am really connected to my Tamil identity through speaking and reading in Tamil, singing Carnatic music, dancing Bharatanatyam, celebrating Pongal, visiting the Temple, etc. That said, these were things I hid. My identity as Tamil was something I did at home.
In junior high, I attended an English school where there were 2 other Tamil girls. I refused to speak to them in Tamil at school even though they spoke to me in Tamil. I didn’t want to be seen as an outsider.
It wasn’t until this year that I learned (through therapy) that the reason I am so involved in French-Canadian culture is because I tried to white-wash myself to another minority culture. I didn’t want to be like the kids that white-washed themselves to the majority culture. I still wanted to be different. Having learned this, I’ve been working towards being more authentic. I now recognize my Tamil identity and am working towards proudly flaunting it.
Tell me about your family, how do you think they have shaped who you are today?
I come from a Tamil-Brahmin family originating from the south of India. My dad works in IT and my mom works as an Educational Assistant. My older brother, who is five years older than me, graduated from uAlberta with a Bachelor of Commerce in Accounting. He recently moved to Calgary where he works for the CRA.
I have always felt like an outsider in my own family and COVID-19 has really highlighted that sentiment. That said, my family has shaped my morals and values that I live by. Coming from a devout Hindu family, I have always been taught the values that are dharmic (righteous). Even if I consider myself more spiritual than religious these days, I still hold many of these values close to heart. I live by them and they guide the decisions I make everyday.
What do you often talk about with your family?
The older I grow, the more complicated I find my relationship with my family. I still live at home, but since my family and I have such differing value systems and worldviews, it’s often difficult to have conversations about anything without them being turned into arguments or disagreements. When we do succeed in having a conversation, they are typically about Tamil culture, arts, language and literature. I still have a lot to learn when it comes to Tamil culture. Nonetheless, I find those conversations bring us closer together, even if closing that cultural gap may never happen due to differences.
What is most important to you and why?
I find my culture as an Indian-Canadian and Tamil-Brahmin as very important to me. The values, customs and traditions that go with these identities have been ingrained in me since I was very young. I find that my traditions, customs, and values are influential in who I am and what I find important.
What is one thing you know for sure?
I’ve been really sure about what I want to do in life since I was quite young. Although I wanted to become an optometrist until I was in grade 4 (because I thought eyes were really cool), I discovered in grade 5 that I wanted to become a teacher. Since then, this career choice has not changed, given that I’m studying to become a teacher right now.
My parents have been really supportive of this choice. When I tell people in the Tamil community that I’m doing a Bachelor of Education, I am often met with surprise. They ask me why someone so smart would limit their talents to a mere B.Ed. It sucks having to hear people look down on something I’m so passionate about. Nonetheless, I am so sure that this is what I want to do. I want to make an impression and be there for young people. Teaching is such a rewarding job.
How do you want to be perceived?
I want to be perceived as a person with unique intersectional identities and that one identity doesn’t cancel another. I feel people in the Tamil community often see youth like me and think we’re too white. When we go out, we’re seen as too different; too brown. I want to be seen as a unique person but receive the same respect without judgement for who I am.
I think I could say more about this question but I haven’t really thought about it before. I kind of do my thing these days. As long as I stay true to my values, I’m happy. I’ve started caring less and less about what other people think.
What does Tamil representation look like to you?
The first thing that came to mind was the recent TV show Never Have I Ever. It felt SO good to see Tamil culture and customs portrayed on mainstream TV. Nonetheless, even that show showed a very niche version of Tamil culture. I think it’s important to realize that Tamil people are so diverse and have such unique traditions. We aren’t all the same. However, it feels nice to be seen and to not be clumped with all other Indian people. After all, Tamil isn’t limited to India.
I think even within Tamil communities in the diaspora, we need to recognize our diversity. We all have differences but the thing that brings us together is our language, no matter how different we speak it. I hate to see our Tamil communities be divided on regional, national or political lines. It’s not until we as Tamils can come together that others will see us a distinct people. Obviously, I am no expert! I’ve got a lot to do myself. I need to be able to represent Tamil culture before I can expect others to do the same.
PS: I just want to throw it out there that I feel more and more young Tamil people in the diaspora should learn the language! I know it’s tough and many of us have such complicated relationships with our cultures. However, as Tamil people, our language is the centre of our culture and identity. If we lose that, we begin to lose everything.
What is your most favorite quality about yourself?
My favourite quality about myself is my tenacity. Having an orator for a mother, I grew up always listening to stories of Tamil heroes from history and from scripture. I noticed how tenacity and perseverance is a quality that is rooted in Tamil-ness. When I want to give up, I often think back to these stories and remind myself the need to push. I also think that being a dancer has helped me develop my tenacity. You never stop mid-dance.
